how to be more disagreeable (create a reality distortion field)

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past year.

In particular, I’ve realized I’m generally unpleasant to be around.

I prefer being alone. I hate being out of routine for more than 2–3 days. I’m either thinking about nothing or everything with little in between. Mulling over ideas. Strategizing a project. Ruminating on a problem. The quality of my days depend on the quality of alone time I have with myself, which can hurt relationships because I’m unpredictable and will decline most invitations to go out, leading to fewer invitations over time.

At first, I thought this was a character flaw.

I wanted to change it.

We’ve been raised to be kind in all circumstances, never show teeth. We’re often told to “let loose a bit” and exchange our version of fun for theirs. We’re afraid of looking like bad people because we hold a delusional self-image. One that is noble and kind, but one that we can never live up to.

When I was too kind, I was taken advantage of. When I would try to lighten up, my life would only get worse. I felt like I was putting on a mask. My focus would split, progress would slow, and the goals that brought me joy would now bring me pain.

After some thought, I realized that being unpleasant is a sign you’re on the right path.

When I observe people I look up to, their mission comes first. That’s what makes life…